10/06/2012

Sylvia Plath - The Night Dances

A smile fell in the grass. 
Irretrievable! 

And how will your night dances 
Lose themselves. In mathematics? 

Such pure leaps and spirals ---- 
Surely they travel 

The world forever, I shall not entirely 
Sit emptied of beauties, the gift 

Of your small breath, the drenched grass 
Smell of your sleeps, lilies, lilies. 

Their flesh bears no relation. 
Cold folds of ego, the calla, 

And the tiger, embellishing itself ---- 
Spots, and a spread of hot petals. 

The comets 
Have such a space to cross, 

Such coldness, forgetfulness. 
So your gestures flake off ---- 

Warm and human, then their pink light 
Bleeding and peeling 

Through the black amnesias of heaven. 
Why am I given 

These lamps, these planets 
Falling like blessings, like flakes 

Six sided, white 
On my eyes, my lips, my hair 

Touching and melting. 
Nowhere.

12/26/2011

Shrink

'Have you ever considered asking for professional help?'
'Excuse me?'
'Visiting a psychiatrist.'
'And what good would that do?'
'I know an excellent therapist. He can work wonders.'
Work wonders. Great. A shrink. I don’t need freaking wonders. I have enough of them in my mind, all of them waiting for fulfilment, stuck in the plastic universe of my imagination, filled with cracking fireworks and waterfalls and tornadoes and shooting stars and romantic moments that even Hollywood would want to get her greasy hands on. I’m sick of them.
What could I say to a psychiatrist? That I can see the world in its pixels, buzzing in billions of buds, some more impulsively, some hardly resonating? That I hallucinate smells, and food tastes likes ash and water like magma? Should I tell him that I can feel my skin becoming fragmented, shattering to shards and aching with desiccation? That the surrealism meter of my dreams is hitting the roof because I’m tired of suppressing my fancies? That everytime I wake up I feel as if a blanket of nightmare tsunami would draw back from me and leave me there with all the dubris dumped on me and I have no idea how to get rid of it? That every day feels like an uphill battle, without progress, hope for change, and I’m just wallowing in the same rut, same junk of complaints, same fire of failures? That I am slugging in a bell jar filled with toxic smog given off by my own fuming insanity? 
The best he can do is give me a box of pills to silence the voices in my head, or at least, turn the volume down. 

/2011.03.12./

12/15/2011

Self-diagnosis

walls walls all around
what's within can't get out
outer dangers can't break through
inner monsters must stay put

brick by bick they're falling down
the cement of your mind can't hold tight
enough to save your life
from being blown away by its own light
 /2011.12.14. at around 8:35 am, sitting on the tram/

11/22/2011

"Being lonely's only fun in a group"


I haven't been here for a long time because it's been a while since I last read anything in relation to insanity. But I thought this video would fit the concept of my blog, so it would be a mistake not to write a post about it. Apart from the fact I love the band, the voice of the singer, her style (extreme hair ftw), the energy, and the video of the song, the lyrics are amazing too. Not only because I can connect it to my own life, but also because it describes something that our society is most permeated with: superficiality. A lot of (btw lucky) people have no idea about what insanity is like, but they label themselves with eating/personality/psychiatric disorders, not knowing from where the serious issue starts, not knowing how sad it is that they resort to diagnosing themselves as being bipolar and alike because they crave attention. (Of course I'm not saying that everyone who says he is sick does this, but it has certainly become a trend on the internet for instance.) It is sad that they blame their weaknesses on their health, that they feel they have to search for some kind of excuse because of which they can't function properly, because of which they can't fit society. 

And the saddest part is that they don't know how empty their sickness is. It's all about being catered for, felt sorry for, seeking attention and pity love. It has lost its meaning, just like everything nowadays. They don't feel the horror. The loss of floor from under their feet. The never-ending darkness.

There might have been a time when I made the same mistake. But you know what? It's not me who is sick, abnormal, borderline, or whatever. Not you. Not us. It's 

*narrator getting dragged away*

5/10/2011

Last Injection

Hey there, my dearest patient, can you imagine? We have arrived to our last session of treatment. The last dose of lithium. After that, life will test your regained sanity. Don't worry, if you fail, the Asylum will wait for you with wide open arms...

As I don't want to load you with anything burdensome in our last meeting, I'll treat you with some diluted material, lest the sharp needle should pierce the fragile bubble of your mental health and break it into little pieces again.

First, let's take a look at "The Maniac" by William P. Tappan:


Those eyes that beam so beauteous bright,
And all the heaven within declare,
May set ere long in starless night
Or kindle with demoniac glare.

The thrilling voice, oft heard to bless,
Whose accents memory would prolong,
May tell the story of distress,
Or warble sorrow's broken song.

That heart where feeling holds its throne,
Which fondly beats to love and me,
Cold as the unsunned marble stone,
May lie in frigid apathy.

Lord of all good! thy fiat spake
To birth, the blessings that I have;--
Lord of all worlds! 'tis thou canst take
Again, the boon that mercy gave:

Take all, but hear my earnest prayer,
'Tis breathed in tears, reject it not, --
Take all--but let me never share
The hopeless, soulless MANIAC'S lot.

The interesting thing about this poem is that it is the complex and expressive imagery of contrast that representst both the shield against becoming a maniac and the symptoms of insanity. Just look at all these conflicting words: "beauteous bright" vs "starless night," "heaven" vs "demoniac glare," "heard to bless" vs "broken song." These phrases stand against each other as sanity and insanity oppose each other as well. And as in case of a healthy state of mind the heart "fondly beats to love," when one loses one's mind, the same heart is locked in "frigid apathy." Could the writer have been a fool for offering happiness and light just in order to remain sane? No, because whereas someone can see even in the dark if their mind is clear, a lunatic is lost in his/her inner darkness, no matter how brightly the sun shines. If we look at the price of exchange from this point of view, we can understand why mental clarity is more important for the poet than the physical one; why the stability of the inner world bears always greater significance than the stability of the outer world.

"Insanity" by Maxwell Bodenheim

Like a vivid hyperbole,
The sun plunged into April's freshness,
And struck its sparkling madness
Against the barnlike dejection
Of this dark red insane asylum.
A softly clutching noise
Stumbled from the open windows.
Now and then obliquely reeling shrieks
Rose, as though from men
To whom death had assumed
An inexpressibly kind face.
A man stood at one window,
His gaunt face trembling underneath
A feverish jauntiness.
A long white feather slanted back
Upon his almost shapeless hat,
Like an innocent evasion.
Hotly incessant, his voice
Methodically flogged the April air:
A voice that held the clashing bones
Of happiness and fear;
A voice in which emotion
Sharply ridiculed itself;
A monstrously vigorous voice
Mockingly tearing a life
With an unanswerable question.

Hollowed out by his howl,
I turned and saw an asylum guard.
His petulantly flabby face
Rolled into deathlike chips of eyes.
He bore the aimless confidence
Of one contentedly playing with other men's wings.
He walked away; the man above still shrieked.
I could not separate them.

 The first thing that struck me about this poem is the time is April, which we might call the month of the fool because of April 1th. The expression "sparkling madness" is also worth mentioning, because as opposed to the dark, hopeless quality of insanity depicted in Tappan's poem, the world "sparkling" suggest liveliness, light, and joy; another side of lunacy, which is not paralyzingly ominous, but deliberatingly gleeful. Also, at first the narrator only hears voices, shrieks; then the colors become important ("red insane asylum," "jauntiness," "white feather"). The whole atmosphere is quite creepy, though, because the patients are all passive, whereas the guard can "play with other people's wings," in which metaphor the "wing" might indicate that the people, who are controlled by the asylum guard, are all cuckoos.

"Porphyria's Lover" by Robert Browning

THE rain set early in to-night,
    The sullen wind was soon awake,
It tore the elm-tops down for spite,
    And did its worst to vex the lake:
    I listen'd with heart fit to break.
When glided in Porphyria; straight
    She shut the cold out and the storm,
And kneel'd and made the cheerless grate
    Blaze up, and all the cottage warm;
    Which done, she rose, and from her form
Withdrew the dripping cloak and shawl,
    And laid her soil'd gloves by, untied
Her hat and let the damp hair fall,
    And, last, she sat down by my side
    And call'd me. When no voice replied,
She put my arm about her waist,
    And made her smooth white shoulder bare,
And all her yellow hair displaced,
    And, stooping, made my cheek lie there,
    And spread, o'er all, her yellow hair,
Murmuring how she loved me—she
    Too weak, for all her heart's endeavour,
To set its struggling passion free
    From pride, and vainer ties dissever,
    And give herself to me for ever.
But passion sometimes would prevail,
    Nor could to-night's gay feast restrain
A sudden thought of one so pale
    For love of her, and all in vain:
    So, she was come through wind and rain.
Be sure I look'd up at her eyes
    Happy and proud; at last I knew
Porphyria worshipp'd me; surprise
    Made my heart swell, and still it grew
    While I debated what to do.
That moment she was mine, mine, fair,
    Perfectly pure and good: I found
A thing to do, and all her hair
    In one long yellow string I wound
    Three times her little throat around,
And strangled her. No pain felt she;
    I am quite sure she felt no pain.
As a shut bud that holds a bee,
    I warily oped her lids: again
    Laugh'd the blue eyes without a stain.
And I untighten'd next the tress
    About her neck; her cheek once more
Blush'd bright beneath my burning kiss:
    I propp'd her head up as before,
    Only, this time my shoulder bore
Her head, which droops upon it still:
    The smiling rosy little head,
So glad it has its utmost will,
    That all it scorn'd at once is fled,
    And I, its love, am gain'd instead!
Porphyria's love: she guess'd not how
    Her darling one wish would be heard.
And thus we sit together now,
    And all night long we have not stirr'd
    And yet God has not said a word!

  This last poem, written by the pre-raphaelite Robert Browning was written in the Victorian era, so it's no wonder that the narrator of the poem is also insane. Just think about the madwoman in the attic in Jane Eyre, or Catherine's dementia in the Wuthering Heights. In this poem, the protagonist loses his mind and kills his lover with her own hair, and then proceed living without a touch of guilt. What is more, he puts the responsibility on God, saying it not his own fault that he killed his lover, but God's because he "has not said a word."
That's all for know, my dear patient, I hope you had a good time and your precarious sanity has also become a bit more secure. And don't forget that you are welcomed any later time should you want to come back.

So long and thanks for all the fish!


 

5/07/2011

Joanne Greenberg: I never promised you a rose garden

Hey there, dear bedlamite, I'm glad you're back to take your next dose of lithium. Any improvements since we started the treatment? Hallucinations? Paroxysm? Side effects? It's horrible?? Well, I never promised you a rose garden...

Neither did Joanne Greenberg, so I really don't know why I expected this book to be so great. Partly it is, partly it isn't; anyway, let's get down to business. I never promised you a rose garden by Joanne Greenberg is about a schizophrenic teenager girl, Deborah Blau, who spends three years at 'That Place,' that is, a mental hospital, treated by the competent and sympathetic psychiatrist from Germany, Dr. Fried. 

One of the reasons why I liked the book is that the protagonist's illness is portrayed in an extremely detailed and elaborate way. Deborah doesn't simply hallucinate; she built up a whole new dimension inside her head, called Yr, a kingdom with its own gods, rules, and language. Completely detached from reality, the girl not only has problems feeling what "normal" people feel (such as the pain of burning and cutting oneself), but also distances herself from the English language. She thinks in the language of Yr, which has the capability of expressing things in a more focused way than English does, and, therefore, she often has a hard time trying to find the exact English counterparts of her fictional language. Difficulties of translation and this language barrier becomes one of the most dominant platform of her madness and her isolation from the world of the sane.

The layers and steps of her illness are complex, integrated in her very identity and origin. The first one was having a tyrannic grandfather, who dumped all his long-lost demands on his little grandchild, implanting the thought "You are not of them" in her head. The second one was the racism she had to encounter because of her Jewish origin, proving what great an impact racial prejudices can have. The third door leading towards dementia was having a sexually repressed father, who even though did nothing, but still couldn't hide the arousel his own daughter stimulated in him. These three steps caused her to turn towards an inner dimension, a world where she could ignore reality, where she could cling to life through being insane. Sounds like a paradox, but if you had to choose between the hell of reality, a suicide attempt, or a world made up in your mind, where you live with creations who accept and understand you without conditions, maybe you would make the same decision.

The oxymoron of staying alive through insanity is not the only thought-provoking element in the novel. Another intriguing line in the plot is the effect the inmates have on their doctors. Some of them hate the patients, some of them even get "infected" by the illnesses they are supposed to cure, while others manage to remain completely empathic and even make the ill happy by their never-ending enthusiasim. This proves what a thin line distinguishes mental health from lunacy, and how people can make others suffer even more just because they are afraid of becoming the same. How people can hurt others just because they remind them of themselves.

Language is not only important because of the Yri language made up by Deborah. It is also relevant because of the different names for insanity. Namely, there is a hierarchy of them: the most severe words, such as sick, crazy and insane can only be used for the patients of D (standing for 'disturbed') ward, whereas the more playful ones, such as cuckoo, nuts, and cracked are used when referred to the inmates of B ward. Some phrases are created by the mentally ill, these are "nutty as a fruitcake" and "bats," shortened from "bats-in-the-belfry." The latest means that "up in your head, where the bells ring, it's night and the bats are flying aroung, black and flapping and random and without direction." It is reassuring to see how even in the darkest places of mind humor and games of language can still work.

The title of the book is uttered by the doctor, Dr. Fried, when Deborah tells her that fighting for sanity might not be worth it at all. After all, "what good is your reality, when justice fails and dishonesty is glossed over and the ones who keep faith suffer." In response, the psychiatrist tells her how reality is imperfect, too, but how boring life would be if we didn't have to struggle for anything, but how you have to put up with the bad side in order to see the beauties of the world.

In the end, Deborah makes up her mind. She is capable of feeling pain again, laughing againg, and she says goodbye to Yr without grudges.

What is your choice?


4/22/2011

Kay Redfield Jamison: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Mood and Madness

Dear Patient, welcome back, I hope you'll have a nice Easter and your chocolate eggs won't fall off of your cuckoo's nest. However, before sprinkling lithium on girls and getting down to clean the house of all the dementia of winter, let me talk about an "unashamedly honest" memoir of manic depression, namely, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Mood and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison.

Manic depression, which is also called bipolar disorder, is a mental illness in which the patient experiences cyclical periods of mania and depression. The characteristics of mania are heightened and accelerated thinking and speaking, sudden and extreme enthusiasm for countless new ideas, lavish spending of money, energetic and passionate behaviour to the point of exhausting others, lack of sleep, rage, irritability, losing control over one's temper. However, by the time the patient should get down to work on his/her thousands of new ideas, depression takes over, and with it all of its numbing symptoms: fatigue, lack of motivation, loss of sexual desire, disturbance in concentration, tiredness, obsession with death, suicidal thoughts, inability to see the future and hope, and in most severe cases, delusions and hallucinations.

It is this sickness from which the writer of the memoir suffers. Jamison tells about her first symptoms and encounters with this disorder, her unwillingless to recognize that something is wrong, her refusal to take the medicine, all of the ups and downs of her illness in an honest and profound way. The main problem, as she wrote, is that "no pill can help me deal with the problem of not wanting to take pills;" that is, those suffering from manic depressive disorder refuse to take the medicine that would save their lives. Why is that? First, because of the side effects: nausea, vomiting, lack of coordination, torpid senses and feelings, depressed spirit, inability to read long texts, mental fatigue, etc. Secondly, it holds back all the psychotic zeal of the maniac periods, which seems as if the patient were deprived of his/her fountain of creativity and innovation. But there's a third reason, which might be the most difficult to break for psychological reasons: the fear that if lithium doesn't work either, the patient loses his/her last hope. However, Jamison had to learn the hard way that taking lithium is a must; an unsuccessful suicide attempt made her realize that she can't survive without taking her medicine.

The peculiar thing about the author is that she herself is a victim and a doctor of manic depression at the same time. She has always been interested in medicine, but, strangely, she didn't recognized her own symptoms when studying about psychiatry. Later, she decides to found a department for treating mentally ill people at UCLA (from where she graduated). She also successfully participates in writing medical essays and articles and attending conferences dealing with mental illnesses. Of course, she was afraid that she wouldn't be granted a medical license because of her illness, but her competence and power to overcome her psychosis didn't let her down. What is more, soon after the publication of her memoir, she was added to the list of best American doctors.

The two things that helped Jamison in her gravest periods of depression and mania are art and love. When researching about manic depression, she found out that several of the most famous composers and writers of were suffering from the same illness; for example, Lord Byron, from whom the quotation at the beginning of the book is cited. As far as love is considered, even though the author wrote that "no amount of love can cure madness or unblacken one's dark moods," she does admit that it was love that brought her back to life after the most severe and hopeless periods of depression; it was love that let her see the light in the chasm of blackness and what kept her going when she thought she has lost all her will to live.

Jamison's memoir is undoubtedly a worthwhile read. It opens the reader's mind and lets him/her into her own, allowing a glimpse of golden associations to come to life. It helps the reader understand that just because someone is insane, it doesn't mean that they are incurable and unsuitable for life. It doesn't mean that they are not human and don't have a right to live like normal people. On the other hand, they might see things that sane people couldn't even imagine, and into which they might gain and insight if they approach the mentally ill with patience and empathy.